Vision and Sound: Their Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Born Enemies: Part Three"Two souls that meet as strangers on earth.
20 total reviews
Comment from amanda98653
" It is a prison that I have been consigned to. There you have it. This is the moment of foolishness in my life that has befallen me. It is without sense to me, yet I succumb to it."-- fantastic phrases.
love kills you and yet it keeps you alive.
Suggestions:
1."But, what can come of that."
drop the comma
2. "But, I do."
drop the comma
3. I tell you this having met you (only) once
4. "What you ask is beyond every principal I hold dear."
principle NOT principal
5. "No. What you ask for you can never have without my say so."
delete the extra "you"
6. rephrase this: "Allutia, as a slave girl, should have bowed and said something deferential. She said, "as you wish."
Instead of bowing and saying something deferential, Allutia only muttered a few words.
"As you wish," she said, before leaving the room.
hugs
Amanda
Commas after conjunctions:
only put a comma after the conjunction if there also happens to be a subjunctive clause inserted there.
The commas can also be used in the same sentence when there's an interposition -- something that brakes the natural flow of speaking to bring some details but still is not a complete sentence:
So, after a long debate, we decided to forgive them.
When the comma would be utterly against grammar rules and the sentence flow in a phrase, the & em dash; must be used. Never write something like:
I wrote the first example, and, then I wrote the second example.
If the pauses have to be passed on to the reader do this:
I wrote the first example-- and-- then I wrote the second example.
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2014
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" It is a prison that I have been consigned to. There you have it. This is the moment of foolishness in my life that has befallen me. It is without sense to me, yet I succumb to it."-- fantastic phrases.
love kills you and yet it keeps you alive.
Suggestions:
1."But, what can come of that."
drop the comma
2. "But, I do."
drop the comma
3. I tell you this having met you (only) once
4. "What you ask is beyond every principal I hold dear."
principle NOT principal
5. "No. What you ask for you can never have without my say so."
delete the extra "you"
6. rephrase this: "Allutia, as a slave girl, should have bowed and said something deferential. She said, "as you wish."
Instead of bowing and saying something deferential, Allutia only muttered a few words.
"As you wish," she said, before leaving the room.
hugs
Amanda
Commas after conjunctions:
only put a comma after the conjunction if there also happens to be a subjunctive clause inserted there.
The commas can also be used in the same sentence when there's an interposition -- something that brakes the natural flow of speaking to bring some details but still is not a complete sentence:
So, after a long debate, we decided to forgive them.
When the comma would be utterly against grammar rules and the sentence flow in a phrase, the & em dash; must be used. Never write something like:
I wrote the first example, and, then I wrote the second example.
If the pauses have to be passed on to the reader do this:
I wrote the first example-- and-- then I wrote the second example.
Comment Written 16-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2014
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Great information. Just what I need! I likeyour ideas. I'll fix when computer is back up! G
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Ooh, it's heating up. This ancient link between the two of them and they are now at a place in history that challenges this link.
I loved Allutia's response to Tibertin's pleas:
"And when the fantasy is done, then what, a sword across my neck?"
She's a smart girl and realizes the risk to her. I also applauded her action to save her people. I dare say that Tibertin is more in love with Allutia then the other way around. Great chapter, Mikey
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Ooh, it's heating up. This ancient link between the two of them and they are now at a place in history that challenges this link.
I loved Allutia's response to Tibertin's pleas:
"And when the fantasy is done, then what, a sword across my neck?"
She's a smart girl and realizes the risk to her. I also applauded her action to save her people. I dare say that Tibertin is more in love with Allutia then the other way around. Great chapter, Mikey
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from Sankey
Super excitement mate. Good work great read all the way through. Looking forward to more drama and suspense and even some love ha!
Now some spags that pesky wome(a)n again ha!...The women he loved was the women that betrayed him.
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Super excitement mate. Good work great read all the way through. Looking forward to more drama and suspense and even some love ha!
Now some spags that pesky wome(a)n again ha!...The women he loved was the women that betrayed him.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2014
Comment from Tatarka2
Michael, I'm so sorry. This was the first time I've ever had to struggle to get through one of your pieces. I found the language overinflated and hard to read. I do love the idea of souls meeting in different lifetimes, but this piece, with the difficult language, just left me cold. I'm going to read some of the other chapters, though, and keep an open mind.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Michael, I'm so sorry. This was the first time I've ever had to struggle to get through one of your pieces. I found the language overinflated and hard to read. I do love the idea of souls meeting in different lifetimes, but this piece, with the difficult language, just left me cold. I'm going to read some of the other chapters, though, and keep an open mind.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2014
Comment from Sasha
I do wish I had a 6 to give you for this one. The dialogue is superb and I just love the conflict between both characters. You present each in a clear and understandable manner...difficult not to agree with both. I anxiously await the posting of the next chapter.
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I do wish I had a 6 to give you for this one. The dialogue is superb and I just love the conflict between both characters. You present each in a clear and understandable manner...difficult not to agree with both. I anxiously await the posting of the next chapter.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2014
Comment from onebrit
Well this is getting exciting. She seems easily swayed, if somewhat unrealistic in her expectations....I cannot see him working in the fields! I think giggling is too modern a word and sounded out of character. So well written!
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Well this is getting exciting. She seems easily swayed, if somewhat unrealistic in her expectations....I cannot see him working in the fields! I think giggling is too modern a word and sounded out of character. So well written!
Comment Written 13-Sep-2014
Comment from Darkhorse555
really interesting how this piece is developing mikey most enjoyable read and the end leaves you wanting more excellent write pal
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really interesting how this piece is developing mikey most enjoyable read and the end leaves you wanting more excellent write pal
Comment Written 13-Sep-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
So she LOVES him? Doesn't take much for her, does it? Nor Tiberguy. Truly love at first laugh. LOL! This is pretty exciting stuff, with the rebellion planned against his army. Will the slaves win their freedom? I gotta be on their side. I hope they have access to some sort of weaponry, even shovels and picks. Don't keep us waiting for the next chapter. :)
>>With the protection of their own countries army assured
COUNTRY'S army
>>The women he loved was the women that betrayed him.
WOMAN
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So she LOVES him? Doesn't take much for her, does it? Nor Tiberguy. Truly love at first laugh. LOL! This is pretty exciting stuff, with the rebellion planned against his army. Will the slaves win their freedom? I gotta be on their side. I hope they have access to some sort of weaponry, even shovels and picks. Don't keep us waiting for the next chapter. :)
>>With the protection of their own countries army assured
COUNTRY'S army
>>The women he loved was the women that betrayed him.
WOMAN
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
Comment from Loren (7)
I can feel the tension building and like the chapter. A few things I noted, watch your tenses you stay mostly in past tense, which is correct, but occasionally slip into present, such as: "Have mercy!" He picks up the vase again and whirls around the room with i I only say this because it's a bane of mine as well. Also the word giggle tripped me up as a word seemingly too contemporary. Maybe laughed instead? Just my two cents. You are doing great. Loren
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I can feel the tension building and like the chapter. A few things I noted, watch your tenses you stay mostly in past tense, which is correct, but occasionally slip into present, such as: "Have mercy!" He picks up the vase again and whirls around the room with i I only say this because it's a bane of mine as well. Also the word giggle tripped me up as a word seemingly too contemporary. Maybe laughed instead? Just my two cents. You are doing great. Loren
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
Comment from GracieAnn
Mikey, as it were, I couldn't put this chapter down. I was captivated by the style, the rationale of thought, the great tension in their relationship and the two opposing forces. This one has the most cohesiveness of all your prose to date, my friend. Well composed, my friend. Focus on this one. :0 GracieAnn
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Mikey, as it were, I couldn't put this chapter down. I was captivated by the style, the rationale of thought, the great tension in their relationship and the two opposing forces. This one has the most cohesiveness of all your prose to date, my friend. Well composed, my friend. Focus on this one. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
