Vision and Sound: Their Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Born Enemies: Part Three"Two souls that meet as strangers on earth.
20 total reviews
Comment from ravenblack
Your oasis line basically sums up their magnetic attraction, the oasis being the reality of their souls (vision and sound), the illusion being master and slave, Rome and subjugation.
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Your oasis line basically sums up their magnetic attraction, the oasis being the reality of their souls (vision and sound), the illusion being master and slave, Rome and subjugation.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
Comment from seaglass
This is written in great literary form. It brought to mind the story of Ester and her marriage to the king, bringing about the freedom of her people. Then, it took a different turn. Looking forward to reading the outcome, I'm thinking someone is going to die.
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This is written in great literary form. It brought to mind the story of Ester and her marriage to the king, bringing about the freedom of her people. Then, it took a different turn. Looking forward to reading the outcome, I'm thinking someone is going to die.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Wow Michael! Powerful stuff. Love makes the world go around.
They both reacted without thinking of the consequences. This is very intense. I am on the edge of my seat waiting for what happens next! Well done. Nancy
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Wow Michael! Powerful stuff. Love makes the world go around.
They both reacted without thinking of the consequences. This is very intense. I am on the edge of my seat waiting for what happens next! Well done. Nancy
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
Comment from nordicgirl
Wonderful and unexpected turn ofvevents. I didn't see this coming, but it rang perfectly true as did Allutias reactions. What else could she do and live with herself.
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Wonderful and unexpected turn ofvevents. I didn't see this coming, but it rang perfectly true as did Allutias reactions. What else could she do and live with herself.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
Comment from drivenbackward
Great conflict. Excellent dialogue and thoughts. A few notes to consider:
Allutia stood there in silence. -- No need for 'there'
He picks up the vase again and whirls around the room with it. -- Switched to present tense here.
Our people will be here within a days' time." -- day's time
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Great conflict. Excellent dialogue and thoughts. A few notes to consider:
Allutia stood there in silence. -- No need for 'there'
He picks up the vase again and whirls around the room with it. -- Switched to present tense here.
Our people will be here within a days' time." -- day's time
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
Comment from gypsycaravan
This is an interesting twist with Allutia betraying Tibertin, even though she loves him. Sometimes the great good must come before personal desires or wishes. I'm enjoying the story, and once again---what a delight to bump into distracting SPAG in the reading.
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This is an interesting twist with Allutia betraying Tibertin, even though she loves him. Sometimes the great good must come before personal desires or wishes. I'm enjoying the story, and once again---what a delight to bump into distracting SPAG in the reading.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
Comment from Nosha17
It is certainly turning into a great story. I think, apart from the observations made by those in Heaven, your best plan is to concentrate the major part of the story with these two characters as they have found a life of their own. As a writer, if you hit on a successful component, you continue with it and elaborate more on it for best advantage. The idea of the slaves staging a revolt seems a good strategy for further intrigue. Most enjoyable. Faye
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It is certainly turning into a great story. I think, apart from the observations made by those in Heaven, your best plan is to concentrate the major part of the story with these two characters as they have found a life of their own. As a writer, if you hit on a successful component, you continue with it and elaborate more on it for best advantage. The idea of the slaves staging a revolt seems a good strategy for further intrigue. Most enjoyable. Faye
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
Comment from Jay Squires
Interesting! I missed a few of the chapters (I believe two). The ones I read were characterized by being more abstract than now. This chapter seems to have more of a Shakespearean feel to it. The dialogue is formal and classical in sound. If there is one thing I have trouble with it's the block of italicized thought, instead of the traditional narrative thought formation.
You have an excellent plot. I'll look forward to reading more of this.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2014
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Interesting! I missed a few of the chapters (I believe two). The ones I read were characterized by being more abstract than now. This chapter seems to have more of a Shakespearean feel to it. The dialogue is formal and classical in sound. If there is one thing I have trouble with it's the block of italicized thought, instead of the traditional narrative thought formation.
You have an excellent plot. I'll look forward to reading more of this.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2014
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Hi. You've mentioned that before. I am not familiar with any other way to depict thought. What does the traditional formation look like. I'm very much the novice at this. Yes, by the way, the book starts off with them as cave people. So now we are up to around 700BC. A little easier to write. There's dialogue etc. mikey
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Let me try:
"Feelings? Oh my. Feelings. But, what can come of that. I cannot have feelings for him. For my master. For the enslaver of my people. The annihilator of my people. But, I do. What to do. I cannot do this. My feelings do not come before everything else. I'm no traitor."
Feelings? Oh, my feelings. [in italics, as full thought] She shook her head (added to set the groundwork for following ?narrative thought?) But, what could come of that, she pondered. She couldn?t have feelings for him. For her master. For the enslaver of her people. The annihilator of her people. But, she did. What could she do? She couldn?t do this. [Then back to italics for italicized thought] My feelings do not come before everything else. I?m no traitor!]
I have to go to work. That is just a rough rendering. But it should give you an idea what I mean.
Comment from CR Delport
Sigh, why is it that men in that position almost always gets betrayed by the people they love. Reality always seem to get in the way of love. This is another great posting. Saw no obvious errors.
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Sigh, why is it that men in that position almost always gets betrayed by the people they love. Reality always seem to get in the way of love. This is another great posting. Saw no obvious errors.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2014
Comment from Michaelk
This story continues to surprise me. I would've thought that she would've given in by now, seeing the very logic that he offers. I like that she is holding to her principles, but i think it is a horrible betrayal to use him to cause an uprising, I suppose it's his own fault for trusting her.
This is a very good story that is surprising me with its depth. One small bit of spag,
Mirratta was the first to (greet) her.
Excellent story, keep it up.
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2014
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This story continues to surprise me. I would've thought that she would've given in by now, seeing the very logic that he offers. I like that she is holding to her principles, but i think it is a horrible betrayal to use him to cause an uprising, I suppose it's his own fault for trusting her.
This is a very good story that is surprising me with its depth. One small bit of spag,
Mirratta was the first to (greet) her.
Excellent story, keep it up.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2014
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True, it is a horrible betrayal. But she is in a horrible position. She is after all his slave. I don't think she even thought of it as an act against him at first, but rather an opportunity for her people. Then after the fact it occurred to her the affect on him. Glad you are liking this. It is taking off on its own and quite a bit different from the original. That's good I think. Following the story line of the original piece was really bothering me! I appreciate your input. I'm probably missing a lot of responses but I read them with great interest. I just try to review first and that takes up most of my time trying to get caught up with that. Thanks again. mikey
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I understand, it takes a lot of time away from writing to review and answer reviews. It's frustrating sometimes. I also know a out changing from original. My 'Infected' script is taking an entirely different path than the story I have already written.
