Vision and Sound: Their Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Shedding Light On A Demon"Two souls that meet as strangers on earth.
16 total reviews
Comment from Jay Squires
to come along, so he is following quicly after.[following QUICKLY after.]
They stank of mystery and foreboding. [Don't understand "stank" here.]
The last two paragraphs are brilliantly conceived and written, Mikey.
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to come along, so he is following quicly after.[following QUICKLY after.]
They stank of mystery and foreboding. [Don't understand "stank" here.]
The last two paragraphs are brilliantly conceived and written, Mikey.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2014
Comment from gypsycaravan
I almost thought Leopold was going to make an about face with his speech of "who am I to judge." Guess not. Julia has some trouble ahead. Why is it that the holier than thou seem to have large collections of gold, jewels, etc. Hmmm
Love this line--Leopold followed, staggering under the intoxicating effect of maniacal purpose.
suggestion;
1. he realized, where conjured--as you use it, I think "where" should be "were"
This line was great for showing, not telling--"turned his head to the side with an eyebrow raised in confirmation. "
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I almost thought Leopold was going to make an about face with his speech of "who am I to judge." Guess not. Julia has some trouble ahead. Why is it that the holier than thou seem to have large collections of gold, jewels, etc. Hmmm
Love this line--Leopold followed, staggering under the intoxicating effect of maniacal purpose.
suggestion;
1. he realized, where conjured--as you use it, I think "where" should be "were"
This line was great for showing, not telling--"turned his head to the side with an eyebrow raised in confirmation. "
Comment Written 04-Oct-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
I know... silly even to have one and two since only three and four show up. This site is such a mess and only getting worse the more he screws with it, taking away good features and breaking other ones all the time. Sheesh.
But back to the chapter, a very deep one. I can see the point of killing this ruined child. Julia tho is not ruined in any way. She is innocent and living a peaceful life protected by her father. So why wuold Leopold want to treat her the same way? Stupid man, easily swayed. He will be guilty of murder and God will send him straight to Hell for his efforts. Intriguing story. I wonder where you got the idea to have demons in the story, demons that possess humans. Hmmm... you must be verrrry imaginative or creative to come up with something THAT clever on your own. LOL! :)
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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I know... silly even to have one and two since only three and four show up. This site is such a mess and only getting worse the more he screws with it, taking away good features and breaking other ones all the time. Sheesh.
But back to the chapter, a very deep one. I can see the point of killing this ruined child. Julia tho is not ruined in any way. She is innocent and living a peaceful life protected by her father. So why wuold Leopold want to treat her the same way? Stupid man, easily swayed. He will be guilty of murder and God will send him straight to Hell for his efforts. Intriguing story. I wonder where you got the idea to have demons in the story, demons that possess humans. Hmmm... you must be verrrry imaginative or creative to come up with something THAT clever on your own. LOL! :)
Comment Written 04-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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I don't know where it came from. But, they are controversial, so I want to treat them GINGERLY... That seems like an easy fix. I would hate to have someone pass over that when it is just a little stabbing. Yes, he is easily swayed. I've known some pretty bright people that think ridiculous things. Brains doesn't equal sense I suppose. mikey
Comment from Michaelk
Isn't justification a wonderful/horrible thing? I have to wonder how many times the priest 'probed' into that young girl's sickness. None of this bodes well for Julia. I see a showdown between priest and doctor over Julia's Bound body coming in the near future. Leopold will be ten times more dangerous now that he feels justified.
Great chapter. I would love to see you explore these catacombs more. You could make a story out of that alone.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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Isn't justification a wonderful/horrible thing? I have to wonder how many times the priest 'probed' into that young girl's sickness. None of this bodes well for Julia. I see a showdown between priest and doctor over Julia's Bound body coming in the near future. Leopold will be ten times more dangerous now that he feels justified.
Great chapter. I would love to see you explore these catacombs more. You could make a story out of that alone.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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That has occurred to me as well. I'm not sure how far astray I should go or how large a book this should be. There's a lot going on in the way of back story at this time in history. I like the crazy old priest and his protege that seems easy to brainwash. I do have a story though although I haven't looked at the original in about three weeks. Hahaha. mikey
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You could.take a page out of my book as it were. I have been trying to build a community of my stories based around place and recurring characters. You could do this back story as a separate story, starting over from when the city priest was young, how he got into the priesthood, the first time he was shown a horrible secret, etc.
I would read it.
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I was thinking about your interconnected stories when I read your review. I like that idea. I'm a real tangent type. That would keep me from going too far astray. At a certain point I could decide that it is going to become it's own tale. Like this little chapter. As far as this story goes, what is here is most of what is needed for this story. Thinking that I'm going to write a spinoff keeps me from dwelling on this to get it out of my system. mikey
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That's awesome. Just don't fall into the trap I do. Go off and write a spinoff while it's fresh in your mind. And then write a spinoff of the spinoff, then a spinoff of that all before the main story is finished.
That happens to me quite often. That's why I haven't written any Mr. Smiley stories for a while.
Comment from djsaxon
The narrative is strong and well supported by the dialogue. This is a complex write, and as such, clarity is imperative. You push the boundaries at times, but you have managed to achieve this. Nice write - DJ
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The narrative is strong and well supported by the dialogue. This is a complex write, and as such, clarity is imperative. You push the boundaries at times, but you have managed to achieve this. Nice write - DJ
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2014
Comment from nor84
In the distance, he heard doors closing, as though a secret shivered in the shadows, behind them. >>>What the character hears, the reader hears, so it's always best to just tell what he hears without 'he heard', tell what he sees without he saw, etc. So I suggest:
Doors closed in the distance, , as though a secret shivered in the shadows, behind them.
Creatures that were unknown to him entwined themselves above the doorway with eyes that fixed upon him.>>> The 2nd 'that' can be cut without changing the meaning. It's easy to overuse that, so be on the lookout for places where it isn't needed.
Except for him and the treasures that struck him with awe, the room was empty.>>>>Do you need the 2nd 'him' in that sentence, or can you do something else?
He hissed down the passageway, "What would God, who is everywhere, want in this place?" "hissed" is not a good tag. Only the letters S and Z can be hissed.
He shrugged his shoulders slightly >>>to shrug already means to lift the shoulders.
It was plain and of a size that a normal sized man >>>close repeat of size/sized
I hope I've been helpful.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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In the distance, he heard doors closing, as though a secret shivered in the shadows, behind them. >>>What the character hears, the reader hears, so it's always best to just tell what he hears without 'he heard', tell what he sees without he saw, etc. So I suggest:
Doors closed in the distance, , as though a secret shivered in the shadows, behind them.
Creatures that were unknown to him entwined themselves above the doorway with eyes that fixed upon him.>>> The 2nd 'that' can be cut without changing the meaning. It's easy to overuse that, so be on the lookout for places where it isn't needed.
Except for him and the treasures that struck him with awe, the room was empty.>>>>Do you need the 2nd 'him' in that sentence, or can you do something else?
He hissed down the passageway, "What would God, who is everywhere, want in this place?" "hissed" is not a good tag. Only the letters S and Z can be hissed.
He shrugged his shoulders slightly >>>to shrug already means to lift the shoulders.
It was plain and of a size that a normal sized man >>>close repeat of size/sized
I hope I've been helpful.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2014
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I made all of these changes and all are big improvements, thank you. Also helpful with my way of thinking. It helps so much to include the reasoning. That makes all the difference in the world. That makes it all stick and I'm more likely to recognize it the next time. Thanks again. mikey
