Going Back in Time
Lesson in life and love.38 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
I was hesitant to review this one. I read it twice, went away, then came back. It is a fictional story, and I will say, one that seems written for the FanStory demographic, but it has many glaring holes in the story and plot. And I don't know if you want to know how one odd man out sees it.
My review is not personal and is written as if the post was written for a general audience. I know it will be different than most. Feel free to skip it or tell not to review again. I do understand what FanStory is, for many members.
notes
"I'd take my chances for one night with this princess. We could get healed together.["]
-add
And I said, "Are you okay."
-And I said, "Are you okay?"
"Who are you?" She asked.
-"Who are you?" she asked.
"Well, you hadn't before you came up and told me you'd like to sleep with me." Then, almost in a frenzy, she grabbed at the armrest and tried to get away.
-Should be separated-
"Well, you hadn't before you came up and told me you'd like to sleep with me."
Then, almost in a frenzy, she grabbed at the armrest and tried to get away.
- Also, what normal dude would say this? Why? Especially when he has no desire to have sex with her. So why even speak? There should be logical reasons for a character's actions, beyond just so the story can happen.
"Calm down. I won't hurt you. From the way you're acting, it's hard to believe you're the same girl who approached me with your vulgar proposition."
- Before this guy sounded like a boy scout, but now it's unbelievable. I know the FS ladies will like it, but it goes beyond what a man would do or say.
Arms handcuffed behind my back, the sleuths marched me through the bar of tantalizing gawkers, and outside to an awaiting paddy wagon.
-Umm, aren't we missing an actual crime. And how does three 'detectives' do not notice how drunk she is, or did she 'magically sober up in seconds?)
But an hour later--Amanda Warren bailed me out--all charges dropped.
-Wow, that was fast and how? For bail, wouldn't he need to see a judge? What were his charges anyway?
Released, I wasted no time heading straight back to the bar-- searching for observers to corroborate my story--eyewitnesses of what truthfully happened.
-Why? He was released in hours with no charges. A normal person would thank their lucky stars and go home, or as far away from that bar as possible.
"I'm assuming this happened after I was arrested. So, is Ashley okay now?" Amanda kept nodding yes.
-What? No anger. No cursing. No threats to sue and get her and the cops fired? Is this guy not human?
Plus, how did Amanda know he would come back to that bar? How did she know he would even stand around and speak to her daughter, and not leave the drunken woman there? Her plan relied on random circumstances that risks her job and the other cops. What? And why is he so even toned about what he'd been put through. And has no man ever dumped Amanda before?
Do you see the holes?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
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I was hesitant to review this one. I read it twice, went away, then came back. It is a fictional story, and I will say, one that seems written for the FanStory demographic, but it has many glaring holes in the story and plot. And I don't know if you want to know how one odd man out sees it.
My review is not personal and is written as if the post was written for a general audience. I know it will be different than most. Feel free to skip it or tell not to review again. I do understand what FanStory is, for many members.
notes
"I'd take my chances for one night with this princess. We could get healed together.["]
-add
And I said, "Are you okay."
-And I said, "Are you okay?"
"Who are you?" She asked.
-"Who are you?" she asked.
"Well, you hadn't before you came up and told me you'd like to sleep with me." Then, almost in a frenzy, she grabbed at the armrest and tried to get away.
-Should be separated-
"Well, you hadn't before you came up and told me you'd like to sleep with me."
Then, almost in a frenzy, she grabbed at the armrest and tried to get away.
- Also, what normal dude would say this? Why? Especially when he has no desire to have sex with her. So why even speak? There should be logical reasons for a character's actions, beyond just so the story can happen.
"Calm down. I won't hurt you. From the way you're acting, it's hard to believe you're the same girl who approached me with your vulgar proposition."
- Before this guy sounded like a boy scout, but now it's unbelievable. I know the FS ladies will like it, but it goes beyond what a man would do or say.
Arms handcuffed behind my back, the sleuths marched me through the bar of tantalizing gawkers, and outside to an awaiting paddy wagon.
-Umm, aren't we missing an actual crime. And how does three 'detectives' do not notice how drunk she is, or did she 'magically sober up in seconds?)
But an hour later--Amanda Warren bailed me out--all charges dropped.
-Wow, that was fast and how? For bail, wouldn't he need to see a judge? What were his charges anyway?
Released, I wasted no time heading straight back to the bar-- searching for observers to corroborate my story--eyewitnesses of what truthfully happened.
-Why? He was released in hours with no charges. A normal person would thank their lucky stars and go home, or as far away from that bar as possible.
"I'm assuming this happened after I was arrested. So, is Ashley okay now?" Amanda kept nodding yes.
-What? No anger. No cursing. No threats to sue and get her and the cops fired? Is this guy not human?
Plus, how did Amanda know he would come back to that bar? How did she know he would even stand around and speak to her daughter, and not leave the drunken woman there? Her plan relied on random circumstances that risks her job and the other cops. What? And why is he so even toned about what he'd been put through. And has no man ever dumped Amanda before?
Do you see the holes?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
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Thanks for all the time you put in on all your comments and suggestions. I certainly appreciate you pointing out all my stupid, careless blunders like not capitalizing, closing speech lines, and separating that line improves the flow a bunch. But the rest of your suggestions seem to be strictly your opinions on what a character should have done, and how the situations should have shaken out, according to how you would have handled things, or someone else should or would have. This is a fictional story. But the real life situation acted out almost verbatim to what happened, and how the characters handled themselves and what they said. Not everyone handles a situation the same way. And not everyone goes off and gets nasty in all cases. If you'd paid closer attention to the story you would have noticed that the girl was taken to the emergency room, since she was having a reaction to her meds and alcohol mixed together, after having only two drinks. I could answer most of your questions, but I won't. And please, don't think I don't appreciate everything you've shared and brought to my attention. It tells me a lot about you and how you handle things. But I can assure you that not everyone does everything according to how any one person feels they should. It did help speed up the release that the judge was the woman's father-in-law. But I didn't want to make the story longer just to point that out. I mean, it's just a story. Thanks again for all your time! Of course, I'm curious that in all these years this makes about the third time you've read one of my posts; and since you hated the first two, and let me know it then, I'm surprised you would come back to be tortured more. Thanks again, and I hope my reaction was as it should have been.
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Not tortured, not hate. I simply read and reviewed fictional post that came up in the portal. I have nothing against you or anyone one else, nor do I count how many times I review members. I saw strange coincidences, plot holes, and as you pointed out, elements to the story that were omitted (for time and space) but, a reader would not know this. You are correct people react differently, but in story, this should be explained in a character's actions, right? When a character is falsely accused, jailed, and manipulated, wouldn't a reader naturally assume that character would at least display some level of human anger, resentment? If not, wouldn't that be explained? I was only pointed out, from my review, that he does not seem to be balanced in characteristic. I may be wrong, but do you really think he behaves normally?
In the story presented. There really was no reason for him to return to the club, right? Really, the explanation given, made no sense, if the charges were dropped, right? And how would the mother know he would return, right? And what was even charged with? We were never told, right? Or how was he charged, when the girl never accused him of a crime, right?
All I meant was to tell a writer of the missing elements is a fictional story.
No harm meant, but I understand and will not bother you anymore. You have a great Holiday.
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We all have opinions and ideas, and thankfully they all aren't the same. It would make for a dull world. I truly wish I felt everything you've said was meant to be helpful. But I don't.
I was very impressed with your writing when I came to Fanstory, and could hardly wait to make your acquaintance and learn from you. A street kid who barely knew a noun from a verb, I started reading all your posts. But it didn't take long before you blew me off, always having something wiseass and derogatory to say. Of course, I took the message and quickly moved on.
I often cut explanations in stories short. I like to let readers think for themselves. I mean, nothing is ever truly as it seems in real life anyway.
When trying to keep a story to 1,200 to 1,500 words, so someone might read it, I can't say it all. And still I seldom make the cutoff these days.
I'm not going to address every suggestion you've made. We can just agree to disagree. But I will say I would have handled any of the situations closer to the way I wrote them, than how you've suggested.
Why would a man show anger and resentment toward a hurt, scorned, and neglected woman he had deserted 24-years before? And shouldn't she have had reason or even a right to retaliate a little? But he went back to the bar because he wanted to see her, just like she came to his rescue in jail.
Kind of sounds to me, he is expected to act like our messed up world today. Everything that happens to me, is someone else's fault. I used to be that person, you seem to think I should write about. I didn't like him then, and I won't be him now. I think each of these characters react normally, for good people. I based them on what I remember from the conversations, and what I would have said or done, and how I think they should have acted and responded.
You were just telling me how you thought it should read. I used to be that character you think the guy should have been. Today, I'm a better person. I no longer retaliate when someone looks at me wrong, or even when someone lashes out at me for wrongs of my past. But as I hope you can tell, I'm still nobody's whipping boy.
I really do wish I thought you were just trying to be helpful, but I don't, as I've already said.
I don't want hard feelings with anyone. You're a talented writer who I'm sure could help me improve immensely, or as far as my limitations would allow. But not by telling me how I should think or feel.
I wish you nothing but the best, and I mean it. I sincerely hope you have a Wonderful Holiday!
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I wasn't wiping you. I was giving you my honest opinion in a review. A review you paid and asked for. For the record, he did not go back to club to see that woman. He didn't know she was there. And she did not rescue him. She put him in that position with the ruse. And, This is listed as general fiction, so, why would the character be or act like you?
I do try to help in my reviews. But it doesn't matter. My review was simply one of many. I tried, it was rejected, and that's ok. If you don't see any issues with your fictional story, that's fine. If you want only a "certain" type of review, I encourage that it be said somewhere, perhaps the notes, so reviewers will know. I think that's only fair. But, to be safe. I will not review or reply to your works anymore. I understand not everyone sees reviewing the same. Enjoy FanStory.
Comment from Marilyn Hamilton
I was glad to see you back to writing. This story was very real sounding and full of twists. The only problem I have with it is the length and the cliff hanger. I am hoping that this is just the first part of a series and I am anxious for more to come. Nice work.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
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I was glad to see you back to writing. This story was very real sounding and full of twists. The only problem I have with it is the length and the cliff hanger. I am hoping that this is just the first part of a series and I am anxious for more to come. Nice work.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
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Thank you so much, Marilyn, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. I'm so glad you like it. I've just finished reading a full page on all the reasons the story is unbelievable and ridiculous. But who cares, I learned a long time ago that I can't make everyone happy; so, I stopped trying years ago. But if you want more of it, I'll certainly give it to you, and hope the distractors keep fuming.
I appreciate YOU always!
Comment from lyenochka
I know when there's a beautiful woman with green eyes your main character is in big trouble. Somehow this feels like there is more real biographical information than fiction. I like how you always manage to twist the plot and surprise us with the ending.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
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I know when there's a beautiful woman with green eyes your main character is in big trouble. Somehow this feels like there is more real biographical information than fiction. I like how you always manage to twist the plot and surprise us with the ending.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
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Thank you so much, Helen, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. As with most all my fiction there are some elements of truth. But lucky for me, this time, it wasn't my life building the story. Thank goodness. I've had my moments that still come back to haunt me with regularity after all these years. LOL. My favorite part of this story is I shared the events of this character's life without even giving him a name. I appreciate YOU always!
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💖
Comment from Yardier
An incredible write with clarity, twists and turns. You have crafted an intriguing story with a balanced flow of visualization. Engrossing, truthful, and great geography back story.
In Saigon women like that were called 'Tea Girls'.
Merry Christmas and may the next year be the very best of your life.
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
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An incredible write with clarity, twists and turns. You have crafted an intriguing story with a balanced flow of visualization. Engrossing, truthful, and great geography back story.
In Saigon women like that were called 'Tea Girls'.
Merry Christmas and may the next year be the very best of your life.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 22-Dec-2024
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Hey, Yard, what a pleasant surprise to see you pop up! Thank you so much for your extra special six-star review and kind words. I'd have probably liked it in Saigon. And in most cases for me, the naughtier the better. LOL. But nowadays, I stay at the foot of the cross. Well, not really, but it sounds good. Besides, know one who has ever known me would ever believe that anyway. I always appreciate your stories, reviews, and most all, YOU! Wishing you a very Merry Christmas!
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"Asking only workman's wages, I come looking for a job
But I get no offers
Just a come-on from the whores on 7th Avenue
I do declare, there were times when I was so lonesome
I took some comfort there, la-la-la-la-la-la-la."
Comment from Tom Horonzy
You leave the scene for a month or two and then write what many will presume to be a biographical writ. I am glad the ending cleared what the beginning and middle left out.
Being a horse guy, did you ever do Aiken Ga. They were and may still be a trotter centre.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2024
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You leave the scene for a month or two and then write what many will presume to be a biographical writ. I am glad the ending cleared what the beginning and middle left out.
Being a horse guy, did you ever do Aiken Ga. They were and may still be a trotter centre.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2024
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Thank you so much, Tom, for your generous review and kind words. Luckily, this wasn't autobiographical. Thank goodness. Yes, I've been to Aiken. There are lots of trotters there. But there used to be lots of thoroughbreds around there too back in the 1970s and 1980. I haven't been there since, but I know people who have. I spent most of my winters in New Orleans and Miami. Much appreciated!
Comment from T B Botts
Holy Cats Ric,
what a story!. It's worthy of a six, but it's Saturday evening, and I still don't have any yet. It's a good thing our guy had a handle on his emotions and could control himself, or there might have been an even stickier situation to deal with. I've never heard of the cops arresting someone without having a more valid reason, but then I'm not a cop, so I don't know. What a terrible wake up call there at the end. What does a fellow do with information like that? Well done my friend.
Have a blessed evening.
Tom
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2024
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Holy Cats Ric,
what a story!. It's worthy of a six, but it's Saturday evening, and I still don't have any yet. It's a good thing our guy had a handle on his emotions and could control himself, or there might have been an even stickier situation to deal with. I've never heard of the cops arresting someone without having a more valid reason, but then I'm not a cop, so I don't know. What a terrible wake up call there at the end. What does a fellow do with information like that? Well done my friend.
Have a blessed evening.
Tom
Comment Written 21-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2024
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Thank you so much, Tom, for your generous review and kind words. As with most of my stories there is more truth in this than I care to admit. But luckily, it wasn't me I'm writing about. LOL. But I witnessed most of it. I appreciate YOU! Happy Holidays!
Comment from LJbutterfly
Your stories always work because they demonstrate your understanding of human nature. You weave a tale that could happen to anyone. Anything can happen when a man engages a drunken young woman. Your protagonist ended up locked up, only to find out he had been locked out of his offspring's life. What a painful lesson.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2024
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Your stories always work because they demonstrate your understanding of human nature. You weave a tale that could happen to anyone. Anything can happen when a man engages a drunken young woman. Your protagonist ended up locked up, only to find out he had been locked out of his offspring's life. What a painful lesson.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2024
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Thank you so much, Lorraine, for your generous review and kind words. I try to write mostly about real to life happenings, but keep them as much fiction as possible. LOL. I hope they just put people to thinking of things that could and do happen to people. I always appreciate YOU! Whether I'm reading your stories or getting your reviews. :-)
Comment from Julie Helms
Ric, this is a good story. You've got tension, backstory, and a mammoth twist.
Amanda should be ashamed of putting her daughter on that task. What mother would do that? And double shame since she knew he was the father.
The narrator showed himself to be a stand up kind of guy for protecting the drunk girl despite her behavior.
My only suggestion story-wise is that all that detailed horse stuff in the beginning had little to do with the story so could be abbreviated to get to the action sooner.
My nerdy grammar comments:
"Sailfish Capitol of the World,"
(Capital)
Shenanigan's had become a scaled down eastside pub.
(scaled-down)
"What if she has aids?"
(AIDS)
searching for observers to collaborate my story
(I think you may have meant corroborate)
Great job, Ric!
Julie
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines.**
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2024
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Ric, this is a good story. You've got tension, backstory, and a mammoth twist.
Amanda should be ashamed of putting her daughter on that task. What mother would do that? And double shame since she knew he was the father.
The narrator showed himself to be a stand up kind of guy for protecting the drunk girl despite her behavior.
My only suggestion story-wise is that all that detailed horse stuff in the beginning had little to do with the story so could be abbreviated to get to the action sooner.
My nerdy grammar comments:
"Sailfish Capitol of the World,"
(Capital)
Shenanigan's had become a scaled down eastside pub.
(scaled-down)
"What if she has aids?"
(AIDS)
searching for observers to collaborate my story
(I think you may have meant corroborate)
Great job, Ric!
Julie
** This reviewer has pledged to rate in accordance with site guidelines.**
Comment Written 21-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2024
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Thank you so much, Julie, for your generous review, kind words, and helpful comments and suggestions. I thought long and hard for a way to start this really slow. Knowing it was going to be nonstop once it got started, and might wear people out. So, I explained the setting in a lot of detail. Also, it is supposed to show the relation to "where" it took place, "why" they came there, "who," and "what" they do, and "where" they liked to go for fun. These people are a different breed. So, I did have a reason for it, however lame it might have been. Yes, that was pretty rotten for the mother to put your daughter up to something so nasty; but, she'd had 24-years to brood about him deserting her. So, even I could sympathize with her anger. I'll get right after those corrections. And believe it or not, I really tried to clean this one up before I posted it. Something I almost never do. But you can take credit for my attempt. Thanks again for everything! Much appreciated!
Comment from Sandollar
Wow! What a tale. Amanda needs a little help--maybe some therapy. Plotting and scheming that way and using the daughter is a bit much. It flowed very well, although a little long.
Character descriptions were excellent. Those buffoons wouldn't be my friends for long. They just kept right on partying. And the way they talked about the daughter. Very realistic. I loved the kicker at the end when he discovers Amanda's daughter is also his daughter.
Life lessons, for sure.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2024
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Wow! What a tale. Amanda needs a little help--maybe some therapy. Plotting and scheming that way and using the daughter is a bit much. It flowed very well, although a little long.
Character descriptions were excellent. Those buffoons wouldn't be my friends for long. They just kept right on partying. And the way they talked about the daughter. Very realistic. I loved the kicker at the end when he discovers Amanda's daughter is also his daughter.
Life lessons, for sure.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2024
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Thank you so much, Sandollar, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. Yes, most of these characters are a different breed and not very desirable, but they make a non-stop story. LOL. I'm so glad you liked my story. I've certainly been enjoying yours. Much appreciated!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
What a bummer.
First, he was arrested for something he didn't do, but wanted to (until she passed out). Then he finds out he was bagged and tagged. Then he learned that he'd been ogling his daughter's boobs, as well as the fact that he'd missed out completely on raising his daughter.
I'll bet he's 'really' glad he was a protective gentleman now.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2024
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What a bummer.
First, he was arrested for something he didn't do, but wanted to (until she passed out). Then he finds out he was bagged and tagged. Then he learned that he'd been ogling his daughter's boobs, as well as the fact that he'd missed out completely on raising his daughter.
I'll bet he's 'really' glad he was a protective gentleman now.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 21-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 21-Dec-2024
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Thank you so much, Wayne, for your extra special six-star review and kind words. Yes, this poor fellow got caught up in it from the beginning, and then find out everything he'd missed for all those years. Happy Holidays! I appreciate your stories and your reviews!
