Tick Tock
Contest entry.55 total reviews
Comment from TPAC
Creative in its conveyance writer in this work paces moments with readers. I found a good read poetic in structuring well done.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Creative in its conveyance writer in this work paces moments with readers. I found a good read poetic in structuring well done.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Thank you. I appreciate the kind and generous feedback.
Comment from I am Cat
Yikes!
Wow... you had me at hello!
;)
(well, being I'm a huge Poe fan... you had me at:)
'The raven whispers softly in my ear,
of sins my wife committed while I slept.
I try to stem the sound so I won't hear,
of stolen moments, promises un-kept.'
(lovely... and so well written!)
'But still the rhythmic ticking steals my breath,
I cannot seem to grip reality.
Some darker part of me requires her death,
to soothe my deeply wounded vanity.;
(wondering why, at this point?... and I can't wait to find out!)
'With silent footfalls I begin descent
I'm much too lost in darkness to repent.'
(I'm reminded of the movie, Descent... creeeeeeeepy!)
'The moon is shining brightly on her face,
in sleep her innocence is hard to bear.
Why did her love just vanish without trace?
When did she turn away and cease to care?'
(yeah... when? and why?)
'I stay the steely blade now poised to strike,
perhaps I've been imagining these wrongs.
I contemplate how much we are alike,
return the knife to sheath where it belongs.'
(oh... so you're NOT going to kill her?)
'Yet as I turn to leave I am unnerved,
the ticking pulse of time invades my soul.
The clock demands a sacrifice be served,
and so I go to execute my goal.'
(make up your mind!) Lol
'Her life force now released from body's lock;
Each drop that's spent appeases ticking clock.'
(but WHY? hmm....? I'm left wondering why? damn... a lovely writing... with gorgeous graphics... the rhythm and rhyme is wonderful... I still have questions though... I know... curiosity killed the Cat, right?) ;)
Well done! Leaves me wanting more!
Cat
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
|
Yikes!
Wow... you had me at hello!
;)
(well, being I'm a huge Poe fan... you had me at:)
'The raven whispers softly in my ear,
of sins my wife committed while I slept.
I try to stem the sound so I won't hear,
of stolen moments, promises un-kept.'
(lovely... and so well written!)
'But still the rhythmic ticking steals my breath,
I cannot seem to grip reality.
Some darker part of me requires her death,
to soothe my deeply wounded vanity.;
(wondering why, at this point?... and I can't wait to find out!)
'With silent footfalls I begin descent
I'm much too lost in darkness to repent.'
(I'm reminded of the movie, Descent... creeeeeeeepy!)
'The moon is shining brightly on her face,
in sleep her innocence is hard to bear.
Why did her love just vanish without trace?
When did she turn away and cease to care?'
(yeah... when? and why?)
'I stay the steely blade now poised to strike,
perhaps I've been imagining these wrongs.
I contemplate how much we are alike,
return the knife to sheath where it belongs.'
(oh... so you're NOT going to kill her?)
'Yet as I turn to leave I am unnerved,
the ticking pulse of time invades my soul.
The clock demands a sacrifice be served,
and so I go to execute my goal.'
(make up your mind!) Lol
'Her life force now released from body's lock;
Each drop that's spent appeases ticking clock.'
(but WHY? hmm....? I'm left wondering why? damn... a lovely writing... with gorgeous graphics... the rhythm and rhyme is wonderful... I still have questions though... I know... curiosity killed the Cat, right?) ;)
Well done! Leaves me wanting more!
Cat
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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More? You are a bad kitty! I really struggle with horror so this was something I had to discipline myself to do - I asked Edgar to hold my had through the writing LOL so I am happy you think he did not let me down. I cannot thank you enough for the encouragement as it made the effort worthwhile.
Comment from EricBrady
Reminds me of Psycho. Well versed indecisiveness and struggle with the task at hand. The time keeper ticking away as a reminder of what must be done. Screaming in his mind to do the deed. This is a great piece.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Reminds me of Psycho. Well versed indecisiveness and struggle with the task at hand. The time keeper ticking away as a reminder of what must be done. Screaming in his mind to do the deed. This is a great piece.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Thank you for the kind encouragement. It is greatly appreciated.
Comment from Jacob Collins
That was certainly a dark piece of writing, I could feel the thoughts getting to your narrator inside his mind and that creepy image of his wife sleeping beside him. A well written piece of writing, good luck in the contest...Jacob
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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That was certainly a dark piece of writing, I could feel the thoughts getting to your narrator inside his mind and that creepy image of his wife sleeping beside him. A well written piece of writing, good luck in the contest...Jacob
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Thank you for the kind support and encouragement. It is greatly appreciated.
Comment from LIJ Red
Zatchoo, D.? Not a bad bunch of rhyming. Shucks, I thought for a stanza there the bell of the ball was gonna get away with it. Excellent poetry and excellent graphics.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Zatchoo, D.? Not a bad bunch of rhyming. Shucks, I thought for a stanza there the bell of the ball was gonna get away with it. Excellent poetry and excellent graphics.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Thank you for the kind encouragement. It is greatly appreciated.
Comment from Pantygynt
I'll forgive you the "does chime" in the first line as being part of the gothic style of the whole. One is reminded both of Macbeth and Hamlet here, the first like the unnamed first person of this poem, carries out his murder but not without a certain amount of prevarication, The second of course cannot bring himself to kill.
You maintain the tension right until the end.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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I'll forgive you the "does chime" in the first line as being part of the gothic style of the whole. One is reminded both of Macbeth and Hamlet here, the first like the unnamed first person of this poem, carries out his murder but not without a certain amount of prevarication, The second of course cannot bring himself to kill.
You maintain the tension right until the end.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Thank you for the kind and generous encouragement. It is greatly appreciated and will make me a winner even if it does not earn a ribbon.
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Nice of you to say so.
Comment from tfawcus
Your Shakespearean double sonnet is executed in perfect iambic pentameter with consistently true rhyming. You use the inner struggle of the wronged husband to good effect to produce your turning points in the third stanza of each and judicious use of enjambment keeps the storyline moving along. I liked the melodramatic anguish in the two rhetorical questions and your assured use of audio-visual layout techniques ensures that we are left in no doubt of the eventual outcome here. The choice of form, with its metric regularity perfectly complements the inevitable and relentless passage of time.
The heavy use of melodramatic Gothic cliches such as the raven, the eerie moonlight, the poised blade and the matching of actual darkness with the darkness in the mind of the inevitable assailant satisfy our childish desire to pay our fare on this ghost train ride.
There were a couple of places where I thought there could be some tightening. 'Insanity the victor with no cure' jarred slightly as the word order suggests that it is the victor that has no cure rather than the insanity. I also wondered if you might re-word the last line to restore the missing article I.e appeased the ticking clock. That might involve some playing about with tenses towards the end for consistency.
The run-on sentences connected with a comma in the final quatrain caused a minor shudder, though not exactly of horror. A semicolon might do the trick without destroying the metronomic rhythm, as you have used it in your final couplet.
This is a finely controlled piece of writing from a master both of the genre and the poetic form. It is so very good in all other respects that I cannot deny it six stars on account of its very minor imperfections, which stand more as a mole on the face of beauty than as a pustule on the grim visage of a gargoyle.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Your Shakespearean double sonnet is executed in perfect iambic pentameter with consistently true rhyming. You use the inner struggle of the wronged husband to good effect to produce your turning points in the third stanza of each and judicious use of enjambment keeps the storyline moving along. I liked the melodramatic anguish in the two rhetorical questions and your assured use of audio-visual layout techniques ensures that we are left in no doubt of the eventual outcome here. The choice of form, with its metric regularity perfectly complements the inevitable and relentless passage of time.
The heavy use of melodramatic Gothic cliches such as the raven, the eerie moonlight, the poised blade and the matching of actual darkness with the darkness in the mind of the inevitable assailant satisfy our childish desire to pay our fare on this ghost train ride.
There were a couple of places where I thought there could be some tightening. 'Insanity the victor with no cure' jarred slightly as the word order suggests that it is the victor that has no cure rather than the insanity. I also wondered if you might re-word the last line to restore the missing article I.e appeased the ticking clock. That might involve some playing about with tenses towards the end for consistency.
The run-on sentences connected with a comma in the final quatrain caused a minor shudder, though not exactly of horror. A semicolon might do the trick without destroying the metronomic rhythm, as you have used it in your final couplet.
This is a finely controlled piece of writing from a master both of the genre and the poetic form. It is so very good in all other respects that I cannot deny it six stars on account of its very minor imperfections, which stand more as a mole on the face of beauty than as a pustule on the grim visage of a gargoyle.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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WOW!!! I cannot possibly thank you enough for such kind and generous feedback as this is a genre I tend to struggle with. Your encouragement makes the effort all the more worthwhile and is truly treasured. - I am grateful for the suggestions and will tweak this piece after the voting has completed as I do not think it fair to change anything once voting has begun.
Comment from Kingsland
This poem is in the styling of Edgar Allan Poe's masterpieces. This is so reminiscent of his work. It was the first thing that came to my mind while reading this verse. This was an excellently written poetic story line that flows very smoothly. It was a pleasure to have read and written this response for it... John
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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This poem is in the styling of Edgar Allan Poe's masterpieces. This is so reminiscent of his work. It was the first thing that came to my mind while reading this verse. This was an excellently written poetic story line that flows very smoothly. It was a pleasure to have read and written this response for it... John
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
-
Thank you for the kind and generous encouragement. It is greatly appreciated and will make me a winner even if it does not earn a ribbon.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was really unnerving, I was sure his wife was innocent and it was all voices in his head. What an excellent horror poem for the contest, written with a spookiness and a presentation that all adds up to a winning combination. Excellent, good luck! xsx Sandra
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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That was really unnerving, I was sure his wife was innocent and it was all voices in his head. What an excellent horror poem for the contest, written with a spookiness and a presentation that all adds up to a winning combination. Excellent, good luck! xsx Sandra
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
-
Thank you for the kind and generous encouragement. It is greatly appreciated and will make me a winner even if it does not earn a ribbon.
Comment from robina1978
Excellent AND scary picture that complements your poem perfectly. Your poem is scary and builds up to the grand finale: you killed your wife, because she had been unfaithful. Best luck for the prompt.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Excellent AND scary picture that complements your poem perfectly. Your poem is scary and builds up to the grand finale: you killed your wife, because she had been unfaithful. Best luck for the prompt.
Comment Written 10-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015
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Thank you for the kind encouragement. It is very much appreciated.
