Burn It All Down
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Burn It All Down"A war of a few against a syndicate
2 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
This is good. But think you should do some opposition editing. That's when you either get someone else to read it and tell you what they think. Or edit, while looking for plot holes.
notes:
"Because you're dangerous. You killed people."
- It's odd, he keeps saying this. Doesn't this also describe Dane? We are meant to believe he is intelligent.
The display showed a series of encrypted messages. One of them bore his name.
Alex squinted, reading aloud. "'Deploy extraction team. Ensure Dane is neutralized on sight.'"
-Wait. If the messages are encrypted, and they should be, how are they reading them?
-plus, kind of amateurish to carry them around.
Wondering if you're on the wrong side of this. It's okay I was there too."
-add space between-
"Shut up," Alex hissed, his voice cracking.
Alex glanced up, his rifle still trained on Grayson. "How many?"
- how and why would he think Grayson knows this?
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2025
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This is good. But think you should do some opposition editing. That's when you either get someone else to read it and tell you what they think. Or edit, while looking for plot holes.
notes:
"Because you're dangerous. You killed people."
- It's odd, he keeps saying this. Doesn't this also describe Dane? We are meant to believe he is intelligent.
The display showed a series of encrypted messages. One of them bore his name.
Alex squinted, reading aloud. "'Deploy extraction team. Ensure Dane is neutralized on sight.'"
-Wait. If the messages are encrypted, and they should be, how are they reading them?
-plus, kind of amateurish to carry them around.
Wondering if you're on the wrong side of this. It's okay I was there too."
-add space between-
"Shut up," Alex hissed, his voice cracking.
Alex glanced up, his rifle still trained on Grayson. "How many?"
- how and why would he think Grayson knows this?
Comment Written 11-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2025
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i am taking your advice and trying to rewrite as I go, let me know what you think in the next chapter, I changed the style a bit. It's not so stiff either.
Comment from Elias Noor
The story is engaging and polished, with well-crafted tension and character dynamics. Minor improvements in emotional depth and backstory could elevate it to a perfect score.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2025
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The story is engaging and polished, with well-crafted tension and character dynamics. Minor improvements in emotional depth and backstory could elevate it to a perfect score.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2025
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changed the style a bit, for chapter 9, let me know if it's better or worse.
